Bully Prevention

By BETH J. HARPAZ 05/30/12 04:15 PM ET AP

NEW YORK — Teaching kids to become “bullyproof” is all the rage. Books, videos and websites promise to show parents how to protect their kids from being bullied; school districts are buying curricula with names like “Bully-Proofing Your School,” a well-regarded program used in thousands of classrooms. Even martial arts programs are getting into the act: “Bullyproofing the world, one child at a time,” is the motto for a jujitsu program called Gracie Bullyproof.

But can you really make a child invulnerable to getting picked on? And even if you could, should the burden really be on potential victims to learn these skills, rather than on punishing or reforming the bullies?

Parents and educators say when bullyproofing programs are done right, kids can be taught the social and emotional skills they need to avoid becoming victims. But bullyproofing is not just about getting bullies to move on to a different target. It’s also about creating a culture of kindness, beginning in preschool, and encouraging kids to develop strong friendships that can prevent the social isolation sometimes caused by extreme bullying.

WHO’S GOT YOUR BACK?

Bullies “sniff out kids who lack connections or who are isolated because of depression, mental health issues, disabilities or differences in size and shape,” said Malcolm Smith, a family education and policy specialist at the University of New Hampshire who has been researching peer victimization for more than 30 years. “So if you’re worried about your child being a victim, the best thing a parent can do from a very young age, starting in preschool, is ask, `Who’s got your back? When you’re on the bus, when you’re in the hall, who’s got your back?’ If they can’t name someone, you should help them establish connections to their peers.”

Smith, who is working on a program called “Courage to Care” that’s being tested in three rural New Hampshire schools, cited an example of a new boy who was being pushed and shoved by other boys in the hallway. “We didn’t know how to empower him,” Smith said, until the staff noticed that he’d become friends with a girl. “This girl is sweet but really assertive. What are seventh grade boys more afraid of than anything? Girls! So having her walk down the hall with this boy was the immediate solution to ending the bullying.”

Psychologist Joel Haber, a consultant on the recent documentary “Bully,” says kids should also have “backup friends” outside school through sports, hobbies, summer camp or religious groups. “That’s hugely important, especially as kids move from elementary to middle school.”

EMOTIONAL SKILLS

Haber says “most kids can learn skills to make themselves less likely to have the big reactions” that feed bullies.

“Let’s say you’re one of those kids who, when I make fun of your clothes, you get really angry and dramatic. If I taught you in a role-play situation as a parent or a therapist to react differently, even if you felt upset inside, you would get a totally different reaction from the bully. And if you saw that kids wouldn’t tease you, your confidence would go up,” said Haber

One way parents can help is to normalize conversations about school social life so that kids are comfortable talking about it. Don’t just ask “How was school today?” Ask, “Who’d you have lunch with, who’d you sit with, who’d you play with, what happens on the bus, do you ever notice kids getting teased or picked on or excluded?” advises Haber, who offers other bullyproofing tips and resources at RespectU.com and is co-authored of a new book called “The Resilience Formula.”

BODY LANGUAGE

Bullies “feed on the body language of fear. It’s a physical reaction – how the victim responds, how they hold their head and shoulders, the tone of voice,” said Jim Bisenius, a therapist who has taught his “Bully-Proofing Youth” program in more than 400 schools in Ohio and elsewhere.

Teaching a kid to appear confident physically can sometimes be easier to teach than verbal skills, Bisenius said. “If a kid who’s never been mean in his life tries to fake it, or tries to outdo a bully with a verbal comeback, the bully sees right through that.”

Lisa Suhay, a mom in Norfolk, Va., said her 8-year-old son Quin was helped by Gracie Bullyproof, a martial arts program taught in 55 locations that combines verbal strategies with defensive jujitsu moves. Quin had been bullied so much on the playground that Suhay stopped taking him there. But she decided to give the park one last try after he completed the Gracie training.

No sooner did Quin begin playing on a pirate ship than a bigger boy knocked him down and ordered him to leave. But this time, as his mom watched in amazement, Quin grabbed the other kid around the waist “and landed on him like a big mattress, all while saying, `That was an incredibly bad idea you just had. But I’m not afraid of you.'” The other boy swung again, and Quin took him down again, then asked, “Now do you want to play nice?” They played pirates for the rest of the afternoon.

“It’s about respect and self-confidence,” said Suhay. “You’re not teaching them to beat up the bully. But they’re not cowering. They make eye contact. They talk to the bully. So much of the time they avert the situation because the bully doesn’t expect them to say, `I’m not scared of you.'”

HOW NOT TO RAISE A BULLY

The classic bully profile is a child who was neglected, abused, or raised in an authoritarian home where punishment was the norm. But lack of discipline is just as bad: Children who have no boundaries, who feel entitled to whatever they want, can also become bullies.

Smith worries that misguided efforts to boost kids’ self-esteem have produced a “sense of entitlement that we’ve never seen before.” He worries that we’re raising “the meanest generation” and says schools and parents must create a culture where meanness is not tolerated. “Kindness, empathy, caring and giving – you can teach those things.”

Haber says parents and schools can start in preschool years by discouraging hitting, pushing and teasing: “Ask, how would you feel if someone did that to you?”

Children can even be taught that being kind is fun. “Addict your child to kindness,” said Smith. “There are releases in the brain that feed endorphins that are very positive when you act with kindness. Encourage your kids to go over to a kid who’s alone and bring them in.”

Some kids who bully need help learning to read social cues. “If I tease you and you cry, most kids will realize they crossed a line and will apologize, but if I’m a bully, I want more power, more status, and I see there’s an opportunity to go after you,” said Haber. “If you see your child bullying a child, the child not only has to apologize but do something nice, practice atonement. Being a bully is less exciting when you have other skills.”

And beware the example you set when you treat a waitress or clerk rudely. “If you’re the kind of person who is constantly criticizing, you’re unconsciously role-modeling behaviors that kids will test out,” Haber said.

PROSPECTS FOR SUCCESS

Given what Smith calls “a history of failure” in reducing bullying, it’s easy to be cynical about whether bullyproofing can work. At one time, bullies were seen as having low self-esteem; now they’re seen as narcissists who think they’re superior. Conflict resolution was big in the `90s, but that didn’t work because bullies don’t want to give up the power they have over their victims – even when they pretend to be conciliatory.

“They say what we want to hear. But they’ll go back and do it again when nobody’s watching,” said Bisenius.

But experts are hopeful about this new generation of bullyproofing programs, which teach social and emotional skills while promoting a caring school culture. Susan Swearer Napolitano, a Nebraska-based psychologist and co-director of the Bullying Research Network, who recommends a half-dozen bullyproofing programs on her website TargetBully.com, says “if these programs are implemented with fidelity and the messages are consistently communicated across a school community, then bullying prevention and intervention programs can help change the culture of bullying behaviors. However, ultimately it’s about people treating each other with kindness and respect that will stop bullying.”

As children head back to the classroom, now is a great time for parents and guardians to talk with your kids about bullying. Here are five tips to help your child prevent bullying and to help them deal with bullying:

1)     Establish lines of communication and talk for at least 15 minutes a day. Bullying can be difficult for parents to talk about, but it is important that children know they can talk to you, before they are involved in bullying in any way. StopBullying.gov and their partners at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) have easy tips and tools that can help start the conversation.

2)     Make sure kids know safe ways to be more than a bystander. When kids witness bullying, it can affect them too. Helping kids learn what they can do to help when they see bullying can help to stop bullying. Click here for more suggestions on how bystanders can help.

3)     Know your state’s anti-bullying law and your school’s anti-bullying policy. Forty-nine states have laws requiring schools to have anti-bullying policies. Know what your school policy says and how to report an incident of bullying if you ever need to.

4)     Learn how to support kids involved in bullying. When you find out your child is involved in bullying, it is important to know how to respond. Whether your child is bullying others or is the one being bullied it is important to know what steps to take, and which to avoid, in order to resolve the situation.

5)     Take an active role in anti-bullying initiatives. The key to addressing bullying is to stop it before it starts. Work with your children, their school, and the community to raise awareness and take action against bullying. Toolkits like the Health Resources and Services Administration’s Community Action Training Modules can help you start an initiative in your community. You can get your children involved, too, by using the Youth Leaders Toolkit to help them mentor younger children.

EP caught up with Peggy Moss, a nationally known expert on bullying and a tireless advocate for the prevention of hate violence, to discuss bullying. Peggy is also the author of Say Something, an award-winning children’s book that helps parents and educators start conversations with kids about actions they can take when they are being bullied, or are a witness to other kids being tormented at school.

“The injury is real when kids get teased — unchecked, it can be devastating.”

Are name-calling and teasing just part of growing up, a rite of passage that all kids go through? “Many people out there think that adults are making too much of a fuss about it, that we should leave kids to their own devices. We know better now,” argues Peggy. “I have talked to 80-year-olds who remember the name of the person who tormented them in school, and the name of the child who stood up for them in first grade. This is pain that has lasted a lifetime. We have the information to stop bullying now, so why wouldn’t we?”

EP sat down with Peggy and asked her what parents can do when they suspect their child is being bullied, and what they can do—together—to try to stop it.

How can you tell if your child is being bullied?
There’s a good chance your kid won’t walk up to you and say, “I’m getting teased and bullied at school, the kids are calling me names.” Instead, it’s going to manifest itself by your child saying, “I don’t want to go to school today.” If this seems to be happening a lot, consider the possibility that bullying might be the reason behind the sick days. Also, look for signs that kids are hurting themselves. Self-mutilation can be a sign. For boys, one classic symptom is that they are teased so much about being gay or being atypical that they’re terrified to go to the bathroom. Since there’s only one way in and one way out of a bathroom, it’s an ideal place to tease other kids. Boys who are bullied often won’t go all day, which can lead to lifelong intestinal issues. This could potentially be a sign—if your kid races home and goes to the bathroom every day after school. These are all possible signals that your child might be the target of teasing at school.

As a parent, teacher or health care worker, add “Bullying” to your radar when you’re trying to figure out what’s going on with a child—add the possibility that your kid is getting tormented at school. The injury is real when kids get teased—unchecked, it can be devastating.

If my child comes to me and tells me he is being bullied, what is the best thing to do?
I would say let your child talk about it. Don’t say, “What did you do that made them tease you?” That’s a pit parents can fall into. Don’t make the assumption that your kid has done something to bring on the teasing. Teasing isn’t always logical, and for your kid it doesn’t matter why—it just matters that it’s happening.

Listen in a non-judgmental way about your child and about the teaser. Let your kid do the talking. Don’t try to solve the problem. Ask, “What happened? How did that make you feel?” to draw your child out. And try to find out more about the kid who’s doing the teasing. Don’t say, “Oh my God, what a rotten kid,” because you’re just getting a part of the story. Your child doesn’t need you to go ballistic or take on the problem as your own. Your child needs to know that he’s being heard and that his feelings matter. Once you’ve got the whole story out, depending upon what’s happened, you can take your next step. For a parent to be explosive about the situation will cause a child to recoil. If I march to school and confront the bully on the playground, my child is not going to feel safe telling me anything about this again. I’m taking on his battle for him.

So, what can I do to stop the bullying?
The short answer is to let your kid come up with ideas. Ask him questions like, “What do you think you can say next time? What do you think might work?” Help your child see what the outcome might be of their words and actions; help them see that this is a problem they can solve on their own terms. For example, your kid might come up with the idea of saying to the bully, “Leave me alone, you jerk.” Instead of the parent saying, “That’s a bad idea,” respond with, “What do you think is going to happen if you do that?” Let them figure out that the bullying might escalate if they resort to name-calling.

Your child might then shrug and say, “I could walk away from the bully.” You can suggest that they walk away the first time and say what they need to say the next time. We have to be honest about how hard it is to face a tormentor. It’s also important to ask your child this question: “What’s going to make you feel better about this situation?” But make sure you’re not the one coming up with the solution. It’s important that your child feels like they’re solving the problem on his or her own terms. It’s a skill you can teach them that will last a lifetime.

What if my child won’t talk to me about being bullied?
As long as they feel like they have a safe place to go, that is what’s important. And if you feel your kid can’t talk to you, swallow hard and say, “OK, my child is not talking to me, but they’ve got to talk.” Put someone else in that room with them that they can talk to, whether it’s an aunt or uncle, teacher, counselor, coach or family friend. Unless that conversation can start, it’s very hard to get to the heart of the problem.

When should I approach my child’s teachers about it?
Go in pretty early, as soon as your child starts coming home and mentioning that they are being teased. If your kid is coming home more than once a week and saying, “These kids are teasing me and I don’t like to go to the bathroom,” go in after school when all the kids are gone. Call the teacher and set up an appointment. Teachers are like everyone else, if you mention something in passing, it won’t carry as much weight. If you make an appointment, they will listen.

A caution to parents: often when your kid is getting bullied, their teachers don’t know it. Kids are smart enough not to do it in front of the teacher. Bear in mind that when you go to a teacher you shouldn’t be carrying a hatchet in your back pocket. It may not be that the teacher is doing a bad job, it might mean it’s happening out of earshot. Don’t go into school assuming that you’ll be received with, “Oh yes, we’ve seen this happening.” Say things like, “My child is coming home and talking about this.” And then say, “This is how it’s impacting my child.” That’s what teachers need to know, because it may not be obvious to them. What you’re asking is for them to keep an eye out. Later, you can check in with email, and they can get back to you when you’re ready. If the bullying doesn’t stop, or it’s really bad bullying, you should go to the principal. A really great trick is to go in with a question: “I talked to Ms. Fabbiano a week ago, and my daughter is still coming home with this complaint. What should I do?” Put it into the lap of the principal and ask, “When can I expect to hear back from you about what you’ve done? What’s the next step?” Then you can tell your child that you will be getting an answer on Thursday about what steps will be taken. It’s also all right to ask educators to keep your conversations private, and then you can reassure your child about this as well.

What about when it’s gone beyond verbal abuse and there is a physical threat?
Once you’ve got a threat, you’ve got a crime—it’s called “Criminal Threatening.” It’s time to alert the police. You want to be in touch with the school long before you’ve got a threat of violence. When the threat of violence comes, you’re in police territory. That’s why there’s so much uproar about teasing and bullying, because once a child has been threatened with violence, it’s a really big wound. It’s hard to tell that child that they can feel safe at school ever again. Especially if the threat is anonymous. For the kid who gets an anonymous threat, going to school is terrifying minute-to-minute. There is no way a child can focus on her math test if she’s trying to figure out who wrote the note saying they were going to kill her. By the time you get to that point, you are in crisis mode.

Part of it is getting a sense from teachers about what’s really going on in that school. As a parent, it’s much more complicated. If you can’t figure out who is making the threat and the police can’t figure it out, you really have to decide whether the child is safe in the school and whether you want to keep her there.

The message to kids in your book Say Something is that kids have the power to stop bullying behavior at school themselves. Can you explain how this works?
When we talk to kids about bullies, remind them of this truth: Bullies are cowards. Most bullies won’t tease two kids together, and almost never will they pick on three kids at once. Even in a group, bullies single out one or two kids. In terms of plain old teasing, bullies like to put other kids down, to make someone else feel lousy so they can feel powerful. Most kids who are teasing and putting down other kids are looking for approval from peers. Teach your kids that there are a lot of ways to show that you don’t approve. If someone just speaks up and says, “Whoa,” or “Ew,” or “That’s not cool,” it can be effective. If another kid can walk up and say, “Hey, come over here, you want to go play?” to the person getting picked on, that’s huge. It often will defuse the whole situation. That bully is unlikely to follow, and he has just been told in public that what he’s doing is not cool. Whether a teacher or kid breaks the assumption, now the kid getting picked on knows that not everyone agrees, and so does the bully. It doesn’t always have to take a lot of courage. Kids should know that they have the power to change their situation, especially when they work together.

How can we help our child avoid being bullied?

Whether on the school playground or in the neighborhood park, children sometimes find themselves the target of bullies. When that happens, these bullies can not only frighten a youngster, shaking his confidence and spoiling his play, but they can also cause bodily injury.

Avoiding a bully is one reason your child may be reluctant to go to school. Perhaps he is being forced to relinquish his lunch money to this bully. Or he might be fearful of physical harm. If you suspect a problem like this, you need to take action to ensure your child’s safety and well-being. Here are some strategies he can adopt with your help, and which will help make him safer:

• Tell your child not to react to the bully, particularly by giving in to demands. A bully relishes intimidating others and likes nothing better than to see his victim cry or become visibly upset in other ways. Getting that response reinforces the bullying behavior. Your child should try to keep his composure and simply walk away.
• If your child’s attempts at disregarding a bully’s taunts aren’t effective, he should become assertive with his harasser. While standing tall and looking his tormentor in the eyes, he should clearly and loudly make a statement like, “Stop doing that now. If you keep on, I’m going to report you to the principal.” Or, “I’ll talk to you, but I’m not going to fight. So put your fists down now.” Sometimes, a strong statement will defuse the situation, and the bully will try to find another, weaker target. Drawing the attention of peers to the bullying situation can embarrass the bully. If your child isn’t used to reacting assertively, help him rehearse what he will say if he is confronted.
• Encourage your child to form strong friendships. A youngster who has loyal friends is less likely to be singled out by a bully, or at least he’ll have some allies if he does become a target of harassment.
• Talk to your son’s teacher or to the principal of his school if the situation with the bully persists. You might be reluctant to intervene, perhaps because your child is embarrassed to have you do so, or because you believe he needs to learn to deal with these situations on his own. On the other hand, you don’t want your child’s self-confidence to weaken, or his physical well-being to be jeopardized. Your youngster deserves to attend school in a safe environment, even if it means both you and the school staff need to become involved.

Let the principal or teacher talk to the bully when he or she sees the inappropriate behavior taking place on the school grounds. This is generally a more effective approach than having you speak with the child or his parents.

Picture A World Where Kids Get Along With And Respect Each Other …
This Is How That Picture Should Look

Childhood should be a time filled with wonder and joy, but the reality for many kids and teens is often much different. They’re the victims of bullying at school or on neighborhood playgrounds.

Please visit our sister site www.stompoutbullying.org to learn more!

Kids who are intimidated, threatened, or harmed by bullies often experience low self-esteem and depression, whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more serious antisocial behaviors. Some kids are so traumatized by being bullied, that they contemplate suicide. Bullies often have been the victims of bullying or other mistreatment themselves.

Despite installing metal detectors and surveillance cameras in schools, many students are still fearful of violence because schools are not addressing bullying as a serious issue.

Bullying has become more prevalent than ever and students are scared!

Security measures to combat gun violence have done little to stop the school bully. The reports found that 9 percent of students said they were threatened or injured with a weapon in 2001, a slight increase from two years ago. The report further showed a 3 percent increase in the number of students who reported being bullied.

Bullying is commonly accepted as part of the school tradition. Schools and parents must work together to end this painful and at times fatal tradition.

Recent Statistics Show:
• 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
• 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some “Bullying.”
• 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
• 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
• 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
• 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
• A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
• 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
• More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
• 80% of the time, an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.
• 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
• 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
• 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where to get the information to do it.
• Almost half of all students say they know another student who’s capable of murder.
• Playground statistics – Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention -4% Peer intervention – 11%. No intervention – 85%.

Most Recent Bureau of Justice Statistics – School Crime & Safety
• 1/3 of students in grades 9-12 reported that someone sold or offered them an illegal drug on property.
• 46% of males, and 26% of females reported they had been in physical fights.
• Those in the lower grades reported being in twice as many fights as those in the higher grades.

Bullying And What You Can Do About It
Bullying behavior is not always easy to define. Where do you draw the line between good-natured ribbing and bullying? Hostility and aggression directed toward a victim who is physically or emotionally weaker than the bully are more obvious signs of bullying. The result of this behavior is pain and distress for the victim.

Bullying is a form of child abuse and the bully is very likely to grow up as an adult who abuses children.

Types of Bullying
Bullying behavior comes in various forms:

• Physical bullying is perhaps the most obvious form of intimidation and can consist of kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, and making threats. A bully may threaten to punch a child if he doesn’t give up his lunch money, for example.

• Verbal bullying often accompanies the physical behavior. This can include name calling, spreading rumors, and persistent teasing.

• Emotional intimidation is closely connected to these two types of bullying. A bully may deliberately exclude a child from a group activity such as a class party.

• Racist bullying can take many forms: making racial slurs, spray painting graffiti, mocking the victim’s cultural traditions, and making offensive gestures.

• Sexual bullying is characterized by unwanted physical contact or abusive comments. For example, many girls experience the embarrassment of having their bra strap snapped by a bully.

Why Some Kids Bully
There are many reasons why a child may become a bully. They may turn to this abusive behavior as a way of dealing with being bullied and abused or living in a home where there is domestic violence. And just like their victims, bullies often have low self-esteem. Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on others as a way of dealing with their own problems. Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim, someone who is weaker, to feel more important, powerful, or in control. They’re often bigger or stronger than their victims and may use bullying as an attempt to achieve popularity and friends.

Bullies will often target someone who is different than others and focus on that attribute. Wearing glasses, being overweight, or being in a wheelchair are all differences that can be game for a bully’s ridicule. A child doesn’t have to be physically different from other children to be bullied. Being insecure, or smarter, or slower than their peers can also make some kids the target of bullying. The bully realizes that these children are unlikely to retaliate.

If Your Child Is Being Bullied
Do you suspect that your child is being bullied? Sometimes the effects of bullying aren’t as obvious as a black eye. Other signs to look for include the sudden appearance of bruises, missing belongings, or the invention of mysterious illnesses or stomachaches to avoid going to school. Your child may be embarrassed or feel weak by admitting he’s the victim of a bully.

To make it easier for your child to talk about it, consider asking some thoughtful questions. For example, you could ask what it’s like walking to the bus stop or home from school. Often a child will unexpectedly change routines to avoid a bully. Or you could ask about what happens before or after school or during recess. You might also try asking if there are any bullies in the neighborhood who have threatened to hurt any kids your child knows. This might make it easier for your child to talk about bullies because he won’t necessarily have to talk about his own experiences. It might also help your child realize that he’s not alone.

If you learn that your child is the victim of a bully, do not overreact. Remember that your child is the victim; you do not want to add to your child’s burden with an angry or blaming response. Although it’s understandable that hearing your child is being bullied would make you sad or upset, try not to let your child see that – he might interpret your sadness as disappointment in him.

Helping Your Child Stand Up To A Bully
First, listen to your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing that you care can be helpful and comforting. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable, so it’s important that you let him know you’re on his side and that you love him.

Talk to your child about why some people act like bullies. Remember that your child may feel guilty, that he is somehow to blame. Reassure your child that he did not cause the bullying. Explain that kids who bully are usually confused or unhappy.

How can your child handle a hostile confrontation with a bully? Getting angry or violent won’t solve the problem; in fact, it’s giving the bully exactly what he wants. And responding with physical aggression can put your child at risk. On the other hand, going along with everything the bully says is not a good way to handle the situation. Your child must regain his sense of dignity and recover his damaged self-esteem – agreeing to be a victim won’t accomplish this.

Empower your child to act first. For example, suggest that your child look the bully in the eye and firmly say, “I don’t like your teasing and I want you to stop right now.” Your child should then walk away and ignore any further taunts from the bully. If your child fears physical harm, he should try to find a teacher or move toward friends who can provide comfort and support.

Because bullies often target socially awkward children, you should encourage your child to develop more friendships. Suggest your child join social organizations, clubs, or teams. Encourage him to invite other kids over after school on a regular basis. Sometimes just being in a group with other kids can keep a child from being victimized.

In most cases, bullying won’t require your direct intervention, but if you fear that your child may be seriously harmed, it’s important that you step in. That may mean walking to school.

Take action and report it to the school immediately. Working together with your schools to institute conflict resolution programs is essential.It may embarrass your child, but his safety should be your primary concern.

Tell Your Child:
• Coping with bullying can be difficult, but remember, they are not the problem, the bully is! They   have a right to feel safe and secure.
• If they are different in some way, be proud of it!
• Stand strong!
• Spend time with your friends – bullies hardly ever pick on people if they’re with others in a group.
• They’ve probably already tried ignoring the bully, telling them to stop and walking away whenever   the bullying starts. If someone is bullying them, they should always tell an adult you can trust.

This isn’t telling tales.

Kids and teens have the right to be safe and adults can do things to get the bullying stopped. Even if they think   they’ve solved the problem on their own, tell an adult anyway, in case it happens again. An adult   they can trust might be you, a teacher, school principal, someone else from your family, or a   friend’s parent.

• If they find it difficult to talk about being bullied, they might find it easier to write down what’s been   happening to them and give it to you or an adult they trust.

What Can Your Child Do If They See Someone Else Being Bullied?

• If they see someone else being bullied they should always try to stop it. If  they do nothing, they’re saying that bullying is okay with them.

The best way to help is probably to tell an adult. It’s always best to treat others the way they would like to be treated.

• Show the bully that they think what they’re doing is stupid and mean. Help the person being bullied to tell an adult they can trust.

If Your Child Is A Bully
• Watch for signs of bullying.
• Don’t allow your child to control others through verbal threats and physical actions.
• Help your child develop empathy for the problems of the victim (target).
• Apply clear, consistent, escalating consequences for repetitive aggressive behaviors.
• Provide anger management counseling for your child if needed.
• Don’t tolerate revengeful attitudes.
• Don’t allow your child to have contact with aggressive groups.
• Limit your child’s exposure to models of aggressive behavior such as violent television, movies and   video games.
• As a parent, be a good role model for constructively solving problems.
• As a parent, be a good role model for getting along with others.
• As a parent, help your child develop a healthy physical image.
• Watch for the emergence of feelings of power and control.
• As a parent, know the whereabouts of your child.
• As a parent, protect your child from physical and emotional abuse at home.

You can help modify a bullying child’s behavior by controlling your own aggression, along with the behavior of your children. If an older brother or sister frequently taunts, teases, or bullies your child, it’s likely to damage that child’s self-esteem and make him more likely to model that aggressive behavior outside the home by attacking other kids.

Parents really need to get more involved in their children’s lives. That way they will be more sensitive to problems occurring. Promote honesty. Ask questions. Listen with an open mind and focus on understanding. Allow children to express how they feel, and treat a child’s feelings with respect. Set a good example by showing them a healthy temperament. Settle conflicts by talking things out peacefully. Congratulate or reward them when you see them using these positive skills to settle a difference. Teach them to identify “the problem”, and focus on the problem, “not” attacking “the person.” Tell them conflicts are a way of life, but violence doesn’t have to be. And finally, teaching them to take responsibility for their own actions will make for a healthier child, a healthier self-esteem, and there will be no need for any “bullies” or “victims” in the world.

Set limits for your bullying child. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find other, nonviolent ways of reacting to certain situations. Observe your child in one-on-one interactions and remember to praise your child for appropriate behaviors. Positive reinforcement can be very powerful.

Talking to your child’s school staff may also help. Tell them your child is trying to change his behavior and ask how they can help. It may be helpful for you and your child to meet with an educational psychologist or other mental health professional.

Finally, set realistic goals for your child. Don’t expect him to change immediately. As he learns to modify his behavior, it’s important to assure your child that you still love him – it’s his behavior that you don’t like.

Work With The Schools To Help Stop Bullies and Violence
Many schools already have a way of dealing with bullying. They may:

• Have anti-bullying guidelines and procedures for dealing with incidents
• Encourage anyone who is being bullied, or has witnessed bullying to tell someone about it
• Have ‘bully boxes’ where people can leave notes about what is happening
• Have student meetings or even ‘courts’ where problems like bullying are discussed and dealt with
• Have specially assigned students or teachers who are there to help

If your school has an anti-bullying system, use it to get help. If you’re not sure how it works, talk to a teacher. Some schools ignore bullying. If your school does, don’t be resigned to being a victim. You can still help yourself and ask others to help you.

It’s all about talking it out: Child to Child (Peer Mediation), Teacher to Parent (PTO’s, PTA’s), Teacher to Teacher (in service days), Parent to Child (at home). There should be town meetings involving the parents, students, and entire school faculty to discuss Conflict Resolution. The teachers should also allow the students to give “their” ideas on how they would like situations handled. For younger students, role playing of “victims” and “bullies” in the classroom will help them understand the cause and effect – how it feels. Another idea for younger kids getting picked on could be to have an older student assigned as a type of mentor that he could talk to, and who would step in to settle a conflict or dispute. Groups have also been created where victims and their parents can meet with other victims and discuss solutions. It’s comforting to know you’re not alone, and friendships can be made there. Many schools admit that the lockers are the most common place that bullying takes place. Teachers could take turns standing by these lockers during class changes.

The schools can also pass out questionnaires, and do surveys or polls to find out what students and parents think about what is happening and what they would like to see done. Some teachers have told me that their schools put up a peace flag outside on days when there is no conflict in the school. This promotes a pride in the school, and teaches them that even one person’s actions can have consequences that affect everyone. Other schools are using posters, and having the students wear certain colors on certain days.

A local school in Pennsylvania participated in “Annual Week Without Violence.” One program included, “Hands Around Violence.” Students made paper cutouts of their hand prints and wrote nonviolent messages on them, such as: “I will not use my hands or words for hurting.” The “Pledge Hands” served as a visual reminder that together they can make a difference.

Other activities included a white out, where students wore as much white as possible to symbolize peace, a unity day, where students wore their school colors, and a smile day, where each student received a smile card and handed that card over to the first person to smile at them.

Another great idea schools are using is to have teachers hold up pictures of kids faces while asking the students, “How does this person feel?” This promotes a discussion aimed at helping kids to identify and describe emotions. And for teens, pictures of conflicts or stressful situations can be used to promote discussion & ideas for resolution.

Let kids know it’s OK to talk about problems; that parents and teachers are willing to listen, and eager to help. Also, if your kids/students are “bystanders” to their friends, or other kids being bullied, tell them how important it is for them to help these kids by reporting it. If they are afraid, they can use an anonymous tip, or tell the teachers not to use their name when confronting the bully.

The anonymous tip is only suggested for those victims who fear revenge from the bully in the form of physical abuse for their “snitching.” Yes, in many cases the name of the victim will have to be given in order for the conflict to be directly approached. A bully being accused of attacking a “nameless” child might try to talk his way out of it. But if a name is used in relating to a particular incident with a specific child, and if there was proof, or witnesses, it’s harder to deny.

Telling is not tattling! When a kid or teen reports bullying they may be saving their own life or the life of a friend.

Parents Can Learn More About Bullying Below:

Bullying And Guns At School
Bullying Prevention Bill Of Rights For Parents and Students
Bullying Prevention Laws
Parents Helping to Stop Bullying and School Violence
Time For School … Time For Bullying Prevention
What Parents Can Do To Stop Bullying
Cyberbullying

Kids Can Learn More About Bullying Below:

Stop Bullying
Bullying At School
Bullying: What Have I Ever Done To You
Cyberbullying
Cell Phone and Text Messaging Safety
Online Safety For Kids and Teens
Miss Teen New Jersey International 2007 Stand Against Bullies

Getting Help
Helping your child cope with either being a bully or being a victim often requires outside assistance, such as from your child’s school or the community. School is the most likely place for bullying to occur, so discuss your concerns with your child’s teachers and counselor and ask what they can do to help. School personnel can be influential in helping a child modify his behavior. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that may be offered at your child’s school or in your community.

Additional Help Resources
American Academy of Pediatrics
Advice on Communicating with Children about Disasters
www.aap.org

American Psychiatric Association
www.psyh.org

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
202-966-7300
www.aacap.org

American Psychological Association
202-336-5500
www.apa.org

Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS)
301-443-4735
www.mentalhealth.org

The ChildTrauma Academy
www.childtrauma.org

National Association of School Psychologists
www.nasponline.org

The National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology
www.nationalregister.org